Meeting marathons: survival guide in the corporate jungle

With this happy new reality as a backdrop, let’s dive into the survival guide for meeting marathons that will help you maintain your sanity and humor in the endless barrage of online meetings.

Imagine a world where meetings last longer than a week without bread and coffee cups are an eternal symbol of hope for a break. Here, in the corporate jungle, human endurance is put to the test by endless meeting marathons. So the motto is: know your enemy. Below are a few candidates:

The ‘Never Ending Agenda’. A mythical beast that grows stronger with every head cut off. Survival Strategy: Arm yourself with a look of deep concentration as you secretly optimize your fantasy team.

The infamous ‘could-have-been-an-email’ meeting: notorious for devouring your calendar. Survival Strategy: Defend yourself with strategic nods and an occasional hmm while answering really important emails under the table.

The ‘ideas that lead nowhere’ expedition: A brainstorming session that flies high and crashes with a ‘let’s get back to you on that’. Survival strategy: Engage in simultaneous bullshit bingo with your best colleagues using buzzwords like ‘synergy magic’, ‘quantum leap’, ‘low hanging fruit’, ‘think outside the box’ and ‘agile transformation’.

The ‘Decision Free Zones’ Meeting: Here, where decisions die and discussions about font sizes thrive. Survival Strategy: Bring a sketchbook, maybe you can develop a new art form while you wait.

The ‘Suddenly Important’ participant: This enemy pops up out of nowhere to add an ‘important’ note to every item on the agenda, most of which are obvious. His specialty? Extending every meeting by at least 20 minutes by repeating things that have already been said. Survival strategy: Add ‘I would like to add’ to the bullshit bingo cards.

The ‘tech pitfall’ trap: A classic enemy in the online meeting arena. Microphones that don’t work, sudden internet outages or inexplicable echo loops, all leading to a cacophony that no one needs. These technical glitches turn every meeting into an unintentional comedy show. Survival strategy: Develop your mimic control. A serene smile while pretending you can hear and understand everyone can work wonders.

The ‘conspiracy theorist’: Every discussion provides a platform for him to spread his latest theories about why projects really fail or why certain decisions are made. Often off the agenda, this enemy causes frowns and lost minutes. Survival strategy: Introduce a ‘conspiracy counter’. Each time a new theory emerges, make a discreet mark. Reach a certain number and later treat yourself to a small reward like a coffee outside the office.

The ‘Infinite Monologue’ Master: As soon as he takes the floor, prepare yourself for an epic speech that is more like a personal life story than a contribution to the meeting topic. His monologues are legendary and leave other participants begging for a quick return to the agenda. Survival strategy: Set yourself a mental time limit. As soon as the monologue begins, start an internal clock. Try to guess how long the monologue will take and reward yourself when you get close. Remember, meditation can be practiced in any form, even while listening.

The ‘meeting stragglers’: They always arrive 5 to 10 minutes late, usually right when an important decision is being discussed. Their entrance is often accompanied by loud apologies and requests to repeat what has already been discussed, effectively rewinding every meeting. Survival strategy: Develop a secret soap opera backstory for every latecomer. Every time someone is late, imagine what dramatic event might have delayed them. Maybe it was a glitch in the time-space continuum or a sudden alien abduction?

With these strategies, you are equipped not only to survive, but to master the chaos with a smile. Remember: in the corporate jungle, it’s not the strongest who wins, but the one who smiles their way through meetings. And don’t forget the noise-canceling headphones!